Fate's Lesson
by BeepingMonkey
Summary: Rogue looks back on the events that changed her way of thinking and her view on her friends. Major angst, hints at comicverse past, liberties with characters. Slight Romy but nothing substantial.


Disclaimer: We do not own Marvel characters, these people do not belong to us.

AN: Okay, this is our first colaberation is that spelt right? and well, it's a little confusing. Okay, this is all from Rogue's point of veiw. There is major angst I guess it's major, but it is an angst piece anyway and a terrible end, sorry in advance.

Flames are welcome, don't really mind much, but constructive criticism is what we crave. Thank you and enjoy.

Fate's Lesson

Yes, things would be much easier if I didn't feel like this. Emotions are an evil thing, they confuse you, they torment you and yet when they're not there you feel hollow inside, like something is missing and you can't go on without it.

He made me feel, made the emotions real. Even before he was one of us. I guess we were asking for trouble, the flirting and the messing around. I knew it was dangerous, there was so much that could happen, so much that could go wrong. But then again Gambit always did like things to be a little dangerous.

After the defeat of Apocalypse both Colossus and Gambit joined the X-Men, with Magneto agreeing to it and not really bothering, Pyro went his own way and I don't know or care what happened to Sabertooth. It took a while for either Piotr or Remy to actually think that they were somewhere they could stay. Piotr kept mentioning going home to Russia, but I think it was Kitty that convinced him to stay. Remy was itching for a reason to leave. He knew that there was no way he'd be trusted, I don't even know when I started to trust him, but it wasn't for a long time, that's for sure. He pushed his luck with the Professor; annoyed Scott to no end and was just a little careless when it came to missions or Danger Room sessions. When Storm mentioned his apparent want for serious bodily harm, I had thought she was just trying to make him be careful. But the look on his face, the dance of fire behind his eyes, that showed she had hit the nail on the head with the proverbial hammer.

Gambit wanted that danger so that he'd feel alive, without it he didn't know what else to feel. I realised that when I noticed that close calls he let himself get into. Against Sabertooth, or Omega Red, even when he was sparing with Logan, he left his move just that little close. Once he didn't move at all, Logan's claws cutting right into his ribs. Piotr was worried sick, Logan was in a daze and Scott was madder than I'd ever seen. When Remy recovered he said it was a blind spot, that there was a light that blinded him for a minute and he didn't see it coming. Logan knew it was a lie, he could tell and so could I. That was when Gambit and I started to get close.

I thought that maybe if he could vent, or tell me what was wrong, then I'd understand why he did it, that maybe I could find another way, one that didn't cost him his health. I was naive, I wouldn't be able to make him change his ways. Even if I did gain his trust, his friendship, I would never have that much control over who he was. I found out why he stayed a thief, why he hated his father but would still help the man. I found out things no one else knew about him, and in return, he found out about me. I told him my real name, I told him about Destiny and Mystique, I told him about things I wanted. He knew one of them. He knew I wanted to touch someone more than anything in the world. And in a way he came as close as anything to touching me.

It wasn't until I was injured that I realised what I was doing to myself. We were sent to recruit another mutant, a girl called Dazzler who could blow things up using kinetic energy from her hands, she was a lot like Gambit in how her powers worked, but more like Kitty in how her mind worked. We were caught in a fight with a group called The Marauders, led by the elusive Mr Sinister. I was in the building when it was blown down, a beam landed on my leg, crushing the bone and pinning me to the spot. I could hear Kitty, calling to get me, but it was Gambit that found me. He came in, regardless of Scott's orders, the building falling down around us, and he saved my life. Scott grilled him later for disobeying orders but Logan had gave him a pat and everyone knew that Logan approved of his actions, which in some weird way meant more to Gambit. I realised that while I was in there, all I thought about was Gambit, how much I wanted him to come and get me, and then my elation when he did just that. I began to want too much. I began to want from him what I would never have from anyone.

But I should've known that Gambit was determined to have me wrong, anything I said or thought would never happen, he tried his damn hardest to make happen, just so I was wrong. I thought it was his way of teasing, that he was goading me. But I know now that he was showing me something. He was trying to show me that things can be changed, that nothing stays the same. I guess he was trying to make sure I understood something before he left.

Yeah, he left. Not that he wanted to in the end. Jean and Scott forced him out, with Warren and even the Professor agreeing with what they said, I guess you couldn't blame him for leaving in the middle of the night, rather than having them chase him out. I know he's been through that many times before.

Warren had found out some stuff about Mr Sinister, his name was Nathan Essex. When Angel turned up out of the blue, saying he knew where Sinister was, and that one of our own knew as well, everyone was on edge. Warren had called Remy every name under the sun that meant liar or traitor. I was furious, Remy just stood there and took it, not saying a word in his defence and wearing that god damn annoying carefree blank look that never let anything out. I tried so hard to get Remy to tell them they were wrong, but he just looked at me and shook his head.

He had been a Marauder before he was an Acolyte, he had worked for Sinister and knew where he was, he knew everything about Sinister, and he never told us. Warren said that Remy had probably been passing information to Sinister, giving him our secrets. The face that it never seemed that Sinister knew what we were doing didn't seem to register; they never seemed to take on that Sinister's crony's were always defeated, and that Gambit helped! Scott had called him things, said that he wasn't one of our team, Kitty had tried to stand up for him, but if he wouldn't do it himself then there was no hope for us.

After a night of shouting, Kitty running off with tears in her eyes, Logan leaving to vent and Scott and Jean looking so angry they were avoided for the next week almost, we went to bed. I had grabbed Remy's elbow and told him we would talk in the morning, that we would give his side to the Professor and then let it roll from there. He looked at me with sad red eyes and just nodded. He left me thinking that he would clear it all up the next day; I guess I should've known better. He wouldn't let anything I think was gonna happen, actually happen. Arrogant egomaniac that he is.

I woke up the next morning, a strange feeling of dread in my gut. I realised why when I went over to my vanity table, taped to the mirror was a note, with a card attached to it at the bottom.

_Il est toujours difficile de trouver la vérité. Trop de gens ont leurs propres compte. Je suis désolé, Rogue._

At the bottom was the King of Diamonds, a card Remy had once told me he was more associated, that was after I had questioned his reasons for giving me the Queen of Hearts, wondering maybe if he was the King of Hearts. He had smiled and shook his head, holding up the King of Diamonds. I later found out, that was more commonly known as the suicide king.

After rushing through Gambit's room, finding it empty of all his things, which wasn't much to begin with, I went down to the Professor hoping that he could track Remy through Cerebro or something. But they couldn't find him, much to Scott and Jean's pleasure. That was the day I finally got over my crush on Scott completely. I never realised that he would be so close minded, Logan had a past, I had a past, why was Remy's so terrible? He'd worked with Sinister, for Sinister, for a reason we didn't know. But he left, doesn't that mean something? I never really spoke to them afterwards, not even on missions.

It was nearly four months before I saw Remy again, nearly four months before those so called demonic eyes met mine, and I hadn't realised just how much I missed him. I hadn't even noticed that I kept his card in my pocket, but I did, it was always there, just within grasp. By that time Warren had become a full on member of the X-Men, Jubilee had joined by then too. When the rest of the team saw Remy, leaning against a wall like he had every right to be there, there being inside a Government building full to bursting with ancient artefacts that cost a fortune and was irreplaceable. That was when Warren started, mouthing off again, calling Remy names again, starting with his divine attitude. I had seen him for what he was, he was no Angel, he was a bitter rich kid who had the luck to look like an Angel. His mutation was made bearable by the fact that he was divine, Remy's was the opposite. Warren was an Angel; Remy was the diable blanc of New Orleans. How wrong could a person be?

He just stood there, letting Warren spout his garbage before he looked over, caught my eyes and gave a weak smile. It was one I had seen only once before, on the rare occasion that I caught him off guard, when his defences were down and I managed to glimpse the real Remy. I loved that smile, more than anything. It was a crash that alerted us to the presence of others, and it was those others that shattered any hope I ever had that Gambit would come home, back to the Institute. It was the Marauder's; carrying what looked like a large stone case. I never bothered to learn their names, I couldn't care. We all got into battle, Scott immediately fighting with Remy before anyone else could even complain or Remy could make a single move. Kitty and I managed to get a few of them out, one girl was really tough, she kept using her powers on us, making us dizzy. Kitty walked into a glass case and the alarms went off, sirens blaring and the Marauder's panicking, they fled, scattering all over the place, but Remy was still fighting with Scott. Or he wasn't fighting, more dodging Scott's optic blasts, Remy had always been far more agile than any of us, I suppose it's because he's a thief. Whatever it was, Scott never realised what the alarms meant, the police or security or whatever was on its way. And we were still there, looking as guilty as ever. When there was the yell of "HALT!" from the far end on the room Remy was stupid enough to stop, and Scott hit him, sending him across the room and hitting the wall with a sickening thud. But he did get up, slowly. I moved to go to him, I was closest, I didn't even think about the police, pointing their guns. I just wanted to go to Remy.

I didn't register what had happened until it was too late. I had moved, a shot had been fired, Kitty had yelled, Wolverine had moved, Jean was stunned and I was knocked to the ground. I just lay there, a weird sensation flowing through my veins. Was this the adrenaline rush Gambit had spoken about? Was this the feeling that caused him to push, caused him to make himself hurt? If it was I understood completely, but I figured out that it wasn't. There was a weight on me, I thought maybe Wolverine had got to me in time, that Logan took the shot and would heal and tell me I was an idiot. But I heard his voice before I saw him. The weight was removed and Logan was there instantly, asking if I was alright. I nodded slowly, wondering how he had woken up so fast. Then Kitty started sobbing.

Behind Logan, Colossus stood over a hunched form. The fear dripped into my veins like rain from a tree branch. I couldn't possibly even think it. There was no way he would do it, would he? If he was the traitor that everyone thought, he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't do it!

Jean held off the police while Scott ordered us all back to the Blackbird. Piotr carried Remy, there was still a pulse, a weak pulse but it was still there. Logan sat me on one of the medical beds while Piotr put Remy on another. I had suffered from shock I was told, I wasn't to move, I was to just sit there and do nothing. Meanwhile, Piotr tried to steam the bleeding from Remy's chest and Kitty held his hand, sobbing and still trying to comfort him. How I wished that could be me. I wanted to be the one sitting there, stroking the back of his hand and telling him it would all be alright. Scott hadn't said a word, neither had Warren although it was obvious that he was not happy with Gambit being on the Blackbird, or the fact that we were going to have to take care of him.

When we landed, Gambit was rushed down to the medical lab before I could even speak to him, I didn't even get to look at him. Logan told me that the sooner they got Remy to Hank, the better his chances. His chances of what? I knew then that Gambit wouldn't die. I had said he would before he was thirty, and I was always wrong. He always made me wrong. I was gonna be wrong.

But I wasn't wrong. I was right. I hate being right. I wanted so to be wrong this time and I wasn't. Hank let me go down and see him, there had been too much blood, he'd said. There had been no hope.

He was so white, lying there on the table with no shirt and a sheet thrown over his lower half. His auburn hair stuck to his pale white face, eyes closed and mouth slack. It was just like he was asleep. I had watched him sleep a few times, watched him and longer to just reach out and caress his face. But I wouldn't dare, it might kill him, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if that had happened. Tentatively I reached out then, my bare hand cupping his cheek and pushing his bangs away from his face. In my dreams this is where he would open his eyes and smile at me, slowly reach up and kiss me gently. But he never did. He was so cold to touch, I had finally touched him and there was only this horrid pang in my chest. I broke down right then, throwing my arms over his chest and sobbing onto his unresponsive body. Why did it happen? Why did he have to care so god damn much!

After his death I was unable to remain in the same room, I was moved back to sharing with Kitty, and then moved again so I was just down the hall from Logan. I still had his card, pinned to my wall, right above my bed. The Suicide King, the only man I can ever honestly say I loved, and I know he loved me. He wouldn't have died is he didn't, cause he'd still have to find that one thing he wanted.

Some one to share his heart.

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Like we said, sorry. Might do something similar to this later, only as it happens instead of from someone's 1st person. ANYWAY! Remy's letter said...

The truth is hard to find. Too many people have their own account. I'm sorry, Rogue.

Roughly...that's what it said, sorry again if our French is crap. Anyway, see that review button, please hit it and tell us what we did wrong, or even if you liked it, tell us what we did right. Thank you.


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